Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
