3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
