I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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