don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
