We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You ruined the universe
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
