Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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