Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
