I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
