billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
