my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
