he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
