i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
