Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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