I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
