i was born a porn star she said
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
