He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
