I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
