Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
