at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm both gender and math confused
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
