Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
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