I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
