you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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