I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
