Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
