if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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