i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
