Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
