My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
