Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
