so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
