Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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