I just made out with a guy for $7.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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