I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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