shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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