Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
