The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
