You work out of a Hotel?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
