i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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