She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
