This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just cropdusted the office
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
