I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
