my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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