On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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