1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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