Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
