I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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