the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
