It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have feelings that need drinking.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
