trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
