Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
