Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
