He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
