Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
