I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
