i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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