Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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