god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
