when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
