you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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