I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
